This story of surprise affirmation from an unexpected source may be hope for the weary mom who feels like a failure. Check it out and see!
“Mom, I need help remembering some descriptive details.”
“About what?”
“That time at Allie’s birthday party when she didn’t like my towel.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why are you trying to remember it anyway?”
“It’s for a personal narrative essay for College English.”
My daughter was dredging up a memory from another decade and needed help with some of the specifics.
She’d put a lot of thought into choosing which story from her childhood she would tell.
It had to be pivotal. A defining moment. A perspective shift.
This is the one she chose: “Rocks and Rubber Duckies.”
Take five minutes and enter the world of a 17-year-old pondering a story from when she was seven and then meet me back here. I’ll wait.
[x_custom_headline type=”left” level=”h1″ looks_like=”h2” accent=”true”]Hope for the Weary Mom[/x_custom_headline]
Did you read it? Good.
Now here’s a Paul Harvey “Rest of the Story.”
I have absolutely no memory of that event.
Furthermore, the mom she writes about in that essay would have just crossed over from battling fibromyalgia and lyme disease for years leading up to that moment in time.
Living in a mental fog with unexplained pain and exhaustion.
Faking being “ok” more days than not.
Juggling work, marriage, and mothering and feeling like a failure at all three.
The mom she writes about in that essay sounds wise and put together.
Available. Present.
A mom in tune with her baby’s heart and quick with just the right amount of wisdom and compassion.
If you ask me, I don’t recognize that mom. I didn’t know she existed. But my baby did. My teen does.
Graded by my daughter
When my daughter asked me about the event, it opened the door to hear more of her viewpoint on life at that age.
I couldn’t help her with details — and really she didn’t need my help — but she let me be her cheerleader and read each draft. And then she acquiesced when I declared it had to become a blog post once she was ready.
She wanted to wait until her teacher graded it. She was unsure of her writing and thought the professor might have significant input about what to change.
She nonchalantly brought me the graded paper one day, devoid of many red marks. And on the last page, I saw this.
I celebrated her success and then joked about how I needed to frame a picture of the “wise mother” comment, as if the grade was on my mothering.
The truth is it was a grade on my mothering, but it didn’t come from the teacher.
Through the process of hearing my baby’s recollection of childhood memories, I realized she had a far different perspective than I did.
And I like hers SO much better.
Whether she realized it or not, all that she told me and the picture she painted of who I was in her eyes was like giving me an “A.”
I’ll take it.
Offer hope to weary moms and dads
As parents, we want more than anything to get this job right.
We read. We listen. We pray. We trust.
But there’s rarely someone to say, “Good job, mom,” or “Way to go, dad.”
We just keep stepping through each stage, making it up as we go and hoping we get more right than wrong.
I wrote about those feelings in a post titled, “Parenting with Grace: 5 things I wish another mom had said to me.” It has been shared more times than I can count.
As it is shared, moms reach out to let me know how it impacted them. Names vary and circumstances differ but the crux of each message is the same. They are weary moms who are worried they are “messing up their kids.”
They are desperate for hope.
I don’t think the answer to all of this is a report card for parents. But it does underscore the need for affirmation.
If you are in the regrouping and releasing phase, look around for those still in the rearing phase.¹
Seek out young moms and dads at church, in the store, or in a restaurant. Smile. Make eye contact and comment on something good.
I’ve started doing this when appropriate, mentioning how patient the mom is or how happy the child seems. I can’t know if it matters in this moment and neither can you. But I know it would have mattered to me as a young mom.
And if you are one of those in the middle of parenting, take heart.
Those who are concerned about doing it right are the ones who probably are most of the time. And what’s more: You don’t have to get it perfect and it’s not all up to you.
God uses imperfect people,
failed attempts,
and outright disobedience
to develop character in His people.
You’ve seen this in your children.
Remember it applies to your parenting.
And please believe me when I tell you that in the end, it’s the good stuff that remains. I wouldn’t have believed myself ten years ago, but I DO hope that you’ll trust me on this now.
Grace will prevail
so hold off on that final exam
until you’ve finished all the lessons.
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Encouragement for moms can be hard to find.
You’ll be reminded why everything you do matters for God and for your family.
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34 responses to “Encouragement for moms who feel like failures (When my parenting was graded)”
Beautiful words! This is so encouraging to me. I have struggled for the past 8 years with depression and anxiety. It has taken a toll on me and my mothering. Thank you for reminding me that God is so much bigger than my failures as a mom. He can work through me in spite of me. Thank you for restoring my hope.
Oh, thank you for letting me know. That’s my heart … to speak the words that I needed to hear for so long. Hope is a powerful thing. Hold on to it!
Appreciate all your trail of precious affirmation!
Saw this on Twitter and don’t think I ever really read through it – plus your daughter’s version. So, so good. Putting it in the rotation to share! And so when I got to the part about “Release and Regroup” I thought – hey! That sounds familiar!
Imagine my pleasure when I got to the bottom. ;) Thank you, dear friend. You are just the best. I feel like nobody can outgive you because you just keep on giving of yourself! What an example you have been to me, I’ve learned so much from your ethics and love of Jesus.
So. Did I know you had Lyme’s too??? Good grief. We have more in common than I realized!
You did sound wise when you made that fish tank gesture about the duckies and the rocks. I thought, “Wow. I wish I had said that to my kid when she was sad over not being the most popular kid on the van at school.” I think I said something like, “It’ll be ok. They’re not really your friends if they don’t like you.” …How comforting is THAT?!
But you’re right – God does step in during our weakness. He is there all along, working in the background of our gestures, words, and facial expressions. My kids have told me things I’ve said that helped them and I’m like, “What?! I said THAT?!”
We give God so little credit. He’s working it all out for His good. His burden is light. When will we learn?
Love this post – love you more!
Girl. So much in this comment. Laughing at you discovering me talking about you behind you behind your back over here.
Really taken aback by your comment about giving. Thank you for offering such honey to my soul by telling me that is what you see when you look at my example. I know you know how deeply that’s all I want out of this … because that’s all you want as well.
We will have to compare all the notes one day. The list is growing into more than a coffee stop … it’s gonna have to be a retreat by the time we get to visit!
YES!!! We most def need more than just coffee time!!! And yes I know your heart. :)
Recently we were remembering with my own mother, things that happened so long ago that I am surprised I remember the detail. It was actually a sad memory but we both ended up laughing so hard as we revisited the past together. It was good to laugh with my mom and it was a lesson that I can begin to see with my own growing young adults. They have always told me I remember the bad things more than they do. They are so good at forgiving me for my mistakes. :)
To be honest,I have worried FAR too much about what others think when it comes to being a mom and it hasn’t always been pleasant to get the list of what I am doing wrong handed out. Because of that, I find myself looking to those who are struggling, who are trying to get it right, who want to honor the LORD and are just needing a dose of encouragement. I remembered needing that jolt of approval to take the breath and move one.
A sweet friend said, “You will always mother your kids, it won’t end just because they leave the nest ( or maybe don’t).” That, too, was a refreshing gift, because sometimes we think we have to cross every box off to make it right when really we just need to spend as much time as possible in communication with the Father who will lead us and our children. Isaiah 54:13 has been a verse I have petitioned the Lord with for years, ” All your children will be taught by the Lord, and great will be their peace.’, and Isaiah 55:11, ” So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth, it shall not return to me void, but will accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing where I have sent it.”
What a joy to have this memory to hold on to and to encourage you.
Blessings,
Dawn
Love all of this. Isaiah 54 is such a beautiful reminder for this! Thanks again for all the ways you encourage!
I’m pretty sure I think about how my daughters perceive me on a daily basis. They are only 2 and 4 years-old, so I’m usually thinking to myself “I hope they don’t remember how I just lost it!” (Oh, how easy it is to lose it when you have two toddlers who insist on being human tornadoes destroying everything in their path… and doing so quite unsafely I might add!) Thank you for being an encourager – for encouraging moms everywhere to stick with it and to persevere the best we know how. And for reminding us to rely on God and His grace to get us through. :)
Hang in there, dear mama! I so remember being in the middle of a 2 and a 4-year-old. My 4-yr-old was a strong-willed son and there were days I didn’t think I could go on. You are so wise to focus on God’s grace. It applies to your parenting!
This makes me so happy! My girls are 7 and 9 and I often wonder how they will remember these days. I need to keep this post in the back of my mind :)
Oh please do take hope that they hold on to the good stuff!
This is a beautiful reminder that our children don’t judge us on the same scale as we judge ourselves. What a wonderful memory for you to share. And go ahead and frame that “Wise Mother” comment LOL !!
So well stated about the scale! You are right. And thanks for the framing advice!